4th December 2006,
5.45pm Monday. Today pretty busy. Still in the hospital. In-Patient load seems increasing, even with extra staff doesn't seem to help, wonder what's wrong there...Didn't have the time to write blog. Usually write blog after work, but last few days, had been fetching Cindy back after work. I hire a new staff, she's Johnny's sister: Cindy Chan. Kelvin gonna be back to school soon, need more staff. Choong still on un-paid leave, I think she's now in US, hope she able to have breakthrough in whatever she is experiencing now. Work is alright, at times I do feel very inadequate, to handle staff. With the slow learner, with the inefficient staff, with those like to push job responsibilities, with those likes to complaint; with so many different characters, I will never able to handle without His Grace. I pray that God will help me to be firm when I needed to be firm, and to be flexible when necessary. It's time for Performance Appraisal, which I hated most. It's never easy to point out bad performance, some may not accept it, but it's not easy to to reaffirm and praise the strength. It's all need wisdom, how to say, what to say..and I know I'm very weak in expressing my view.
It's so complex, I discovered that human is so complex, and I'm not exceptional. Sometimes, I don't understand why I can behave as such, and how I response to issues. With different incidences, God slowly reveal to me about my characters- my strengths and weaknesses, I learn, and learn, and learn...to focus on my strength, and to use my strength and accept my weaknesses and take constructive action to improve myself. It just need so much of 'slaps' to wake the sleeping giant up. And I notice that I like to compare myself with others surroundings, and strive to please man. Yeah, to please man and not God??!!...
Yesterday sermon was good. Pastor preached his heart out in the Life in Church, about the relationship in church- which will build ones up and which will tear anothers down, for healthy growing church. It's good sermon- pointing out the common problem in church, and also happened in the society. Happened in church and outside, but the difference is church have God, God to unite, God that bind us together.
I cried again. I can't sing during the worship. Suddenly the worship songs just so strong, the words just so strong, the tears just flow, like a pipe...'pancur keluar'...Hw the Lord's love amazed me...He did not wait for me to draw near to Him..but He came to seek and save the lost. I don't consider myself lost..but probably wandering, still in the wander land, wondering I ever will be back home again.. Yeah, the autumn should be ending soon. My life's season very weird. It's against the normal cycle- it's REVERSE. The Winter has gone, and now it's Autumn, and it gonna be over soon...Autumn time supposingly to be a time of rest, rejuvenating, recharge spiritually, so that in the next season..able to withstand. Yet, my autumn has been going very slow- slowing down and going in a comfort zone, complacency, and changing into a sleeping giant. Need huge SLAP, huge Awakening to rise up. It should be over soon. By end of the year, I will decide to settle down in CG, to involve more in CGs, church and people. Not just serving, not obligation, but out of love, out of passion, out of joy....The Autumn gonna be over, which season after Autumn, I wonder....
